How to Not Be a Twatwaffle on Christmas

Well, I probably could have written this a LOT sooner based on previous experiences and stories that have been shared with me from other twatwaffles.  But, I didn’t. So, here we are, ON Christmas Day, tippy tapping a few key strokes on how NOT to be a twatwaffle on Christmas as if anyone is actually going to read or heed these turds of wisdom.  Perhaps, if not today, you can carry some of this to another holiday or next Christmas. Yeah, like you’ll remember. Don’t worry, I’ll remind you simply by reposting this.  Not because I’ll be too lazy to type something new. Because this will be such a masterpiece that it’ll be able to stand on it’s own in American literature history.

Love the Ones You’re With

There’s a classic song by Crosby, Stills, and Nash called “Love the One You’re With.”  If you know the song, you’re already hearing the doo doo doo doo doo doo’s in your head. Part of the lyrics are, “If you can’t be with the one you love, honey, love the one you’re with.”  Certainly, the intent of that song are different than the point I’m making here. For the sake of my point, I’m adding an “S” to pluralize “one” to “ones” giving it an entirely different meaning.

Sometimes our close friends and family can be spread out across the nation, or even the world, for a variety of circumstances. Obviously, we can’t all be everywhere we want to be at once. I think there’s some law of physics involved in there somehow.  However, if you’re fortunate, there are friends and possibly family around you that you CAN spend time with.  Spend time with THEM and be present WITH THEM and FOR THEM.  It’s quite possible, even probable, that they have friends and family that they can’t be with either.  So, you’re there as much for them as they are for you.  Embrace and welcome that sense of belonging.

There are too many outside forces driving us apart that should really have nothing to do with our personal and family relationships. Namely, politics, gossip, work drama, etc.  Grow up!  As friends and family, you’re supposed to protect each other from that, not subject each other to it.

The Three G’s – Give Gifts Graciously

Yes, I just made up the “Three G’s” thing just now. But, it’s cool and it works. Feel free to use it and claim it for your own. Before you do, though, at least know what it means.

If you’re fortunate enough to be in a position of being able to provide gifts, don’t preface the presentation of the present with conditions of its acceptance.  Everyone nowadays KNOWS that if it’s the wrong size, color, or otherwise not going to work out for whatever reason…. it’s returnable. If you present a gift and say, “If you don’t like it, I can take it back.” or “If it’s the wrong size, color, etc… I can take it back.”  Negativity outweighs positivity in the human mind. It’s an unfortunate fact.  So, if you give someone the positive experience of receiving a gift from you, you will offset that positive expression with the negative implication that you won’t want it for some reason, so give it back or return it. I think it’s safe to assume that we all know whatever it is, it’s returnable, IF we want to. But, that should be the prerogative of the recipient and not suggested.

If you give a gift and tell someone they’re welcome to give it back, at the very time you’re giving it, you’re being a twatwaffle.  If you can’t help yourself and REALLY feel like there is mitigating circumstances that make it absolutely necessary to make it know, for sure, that your gift is returnable… guess what… that’s why they invented “gift receipts.” Put it in the box and shut the hell up.

The Three G’s – Get Gifts Graciously

As long as I’m on the theme of “Three G’s” (no, G’s does NOT stand for “gangstas.” That’s a different story), we can make this work too.  Grammatically speaking, I should say, “Receive Gifts Graciously.” But, then I can’t do the Three G’s thing.

If you’re fortunate enough to receive a gift from a friend, family, or colleague at the company gift exchange (if you’re even allowed to do that anymore), be grateful. Show at least minimal gratitude and say “thank you.” Even if you wanted a famboozle and instead you received a bamfoozle. Take your bamfoozle and say, “Thanks for the bamfoozle!  It’s lovely.” and move on.  If you’re lucky, the thoughtless twatwaffle who gave it to you included a gift receipt and you can return it.