I was recently contacted by a cousin. Let’s call her, Pattycake. Pattycake tells me that she doesn’t like that twatwaffle exists and that she’s “offended.” Reeeaaaallly….!?!? I said in the most cynical and snarky tone as I could possibly have exaggerated.

I’ve heard this phrase a lot, mostly referring to my mere existence. Also, just generally at anything that some twatwaffle finds disagreeable to their liking, or what they feel is acceptable in their tiny realm of existence. I can only think of three responses to this sentiment. And this is not to say there is probably more to consider, depending on a case-by-case basis. But I don’t have time, nor do I care to dive that deeply into your psyche. I’m a friggin waffle, for fuck sake. Don’t expect me to get all Carl Jung with you. I’m giving you the everyday Joe perspective on how to not be a twatwaffle. And this, Pattycake, is the stuff that’s going to get you through the day without your friends and family wanting to rattle your marbles. So, here they are…

1. No! You’re not “offended.” You’re annoyed.

There’s a significant difference between the two. There’s a LOT of bad stuff out there in the real world. There are bad people who do bad things, there are words and phrases we don’t like, there are rules and policies we don’t like, laws we don’t want to follow, blah blah (I like “blah blah” better than “etcetera.” It’s easier to spell and type… and says the same thing.)

My point being that you really can’t, or shouldn’t be, offended at anything simply because they exist. Certainly if you’re not the intended target of whatever it is you’ve found to be offensive. If whatever it is, let’s say a silly word like, oh… I dunno… TWATWAFFLE wasn’t directed AT you, then you can’t be offended. You may “find it to be offensive.” But if you’re not the target of the offense, then you can not be offended any more than you can be injured by an arrow that wasn’t shot AT YOU.

By the way, just because you can find something offensive, it also doesn’t mean you SHOULD. You could, and probably should, just let it go and get on about your day. You’ll certainly be happier that way.

2. You find it offensive, but you’re not offended. This is simply to elaborate a little more of what I touched on above. I wanted to give it its own point because I want fellow twatwaffles to know that we have options in our recovery process to becoming decent human beings. As mentioned, there’s a lot of crappy stuff out there, and we’re not going to be happy-go-lucky about everything all the time. That’s life, Pattycake! There’s going to be stuff out there that you may think is “not appropriate.” Whether it be an off-handed comment, a joke (We really do need to restore our collective sense of humor. That’s for another post probably.), or something that you don’t agree with, blah blah (See how much easier that rolls off the tongue than et-sett-er-uhhh, even if you’re just reading it and not actually using your tongue.) Shit, where was I? Oh, yeah. Stuff we don’t like and find offensive.

Okay, this is all to say that there’s a difference between “finding something offensive” and “being offended.” Essentially, one is something you observe and don’t like. And mind you, you can’t be offended on someone else’s behalf. So, stop it. I again refer you back to reference #1, you’re “annoyed.” You’re NOT offended. On the other hand, if you have indeed been the target of being called a twatwaffle and were offended, then that will lead to our next point….

3. Who gives a rat’s ass?!? Hmmmm, not to get off topic here… Well, yes, I’m getting off topic. As I typed that, it hit me. Who the hell thought this was a good practice, to go around chopping off rodent bums and offer them up as gifts?!? “Here ya go, Sweetie. Only the finest rat’s ass for you. Happy anniversary!” How did this become a gesture of good will?

Ah, well, I digress. That’s another phrase that really doesn’t need to be said. Because it’s rather obvious, isn’t it. I’ve gone off topic, again, and if you’re still reading this (then you’re probably under house arrest and already watched everything on Netflix and almost finished the Internet.), then you’ve certainly noticed I’ve gotten away from my original topic. You didn’t need me to tell you, “I digress.” How pretentious of me. My most disingenuous apologies to you.

Anyway, my point is, so what? Get over it. I’d imagine you’ve been called worse. It’s not that bad and it doesn’t cause any visible “owies.” Your ego may be bruised a little. But, guess what? If you try really hard, you can close your eyes and wish the hurt feelings away. It might work. It might not. Who cares?  No one. Definitely not the one the hurt your feelings.  Anyway, you’ll not be any worse off than before you were called that silly name.

Besides, no one can hurt your feelings if you don’t allow them to. This is where my friend, Thundercunt, would say “Fuck your feelings!” Fortunately, I’m only a twatwaffle. So, I’m gonna give it to you a bit easier. My friend, TC for short, has a point though. Albeit rather harsh. You see, your feelings are within YOUR control. If you allow someone to affect your mentality in an adverse way, it’s because you gave them that power. Just as you give it, you can take it away and claim it for yourself, your feeling’s rightful owner. Don’t give anyone any power over your feelings and they can’t be hurt, and YOU CAN’T BE OFFENDED! You win!

Now that you know the difference between finding something disagreeable and you don’t like it… because you don’t share the same point of view… because you’re better than everyone else… and you’re certainly entitled to your opinion to FIND something offensive, and actually BEING offended, it’s gonna be okay. I believe Ricky Gervais put it best, “Just because you’re offended, doesn’t mean you’re right.”  Look it up, he really said that, quite a few times.

So, there you have it, Pattycake. You find my existence offensive, and you’re annoyed. That’s okay. You’re still my cousin and I still love you, twatwaffle.